raisethedead

Kiss Productivity Goodbye

jasonkanzler — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 23:12:47 +0000

Warning: Any one of these games alone will ruin any chances you had of doing anything else today. I’ve never played them all in one day, but I’m pretty sure I would become homeless. I posted them in order of least to most addicting/time wasting.

5. The Last Stand 2

Kill zombies before they eat yo brainz. It’s got some depth to it, but for the most part it’s just kill zombies before they eat yo brainz.

4. Johnson Controls Game

Build a “car” that can carry coconuts over rough terrain to a shredder. This one is addicting due to the nearly limitless number of designs you can build.

3. Fantastic Contraption

Build a contraption that will carry the red block or ball to the end zone. This is what Joe and I were doing when Barack Obama won the presidency. And I will remember that until the day I die. This is sad.

2. Auditorium

Somebody was on drugs when they made this one. It will blow your freaking mind. Great for when you are also on drugs.

1. Desktop Tower Defense

Do not play this game unless you don’t want to do anything else ever again. I cannot stress this enough.

UPDATE: Desktop Tower Defense has been replaced:

KING. Vector Tower Defense

Once you get sick of DTD, if that ever happens, try this game out. Fuck.

Take Our Poll

Not Funny

jasonkanzler — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 02:39:28 +0000

I love stand-up comedy, when done right. These guys do it wrong.

Ralphie May

Became “famous” for being the first runner-up on the first season of “Last Comic Standing”. He is not funny.

Is a bit overweight.

Talks with a really annoying mix of a southern accent and a somewhat insulting version of “ebonics”. “White people do this! And black people do this!” Hilarious!

Looks like a lesbian.

The Blue Collar Comedy Guys. All of them.

I can’t sit through more than five minutes of any of these guys’ bit, so I couldn’t tell you much about them, except that they suck.

When Jeff Foxworthy is the funniest one, you’ve got a problem.

Larry The Cable Guy. Fuck.

Git ‘Er Done!

Margaret Cho

Female Comedians are almost always not funny. She fits right in the “not funny” category.

Notorious C.H.O.? Clever.

Tries to make “funny” faces and cusses because she’s so “edgy”.

She is the opposite of Sarah Silverman.

Carlos Mencia

Steals good comics’ jokes.

Joe Rogan would murder him.

Uses the same formula as the previous “comedians”, basically just stereotyping every race and nationality.

Talks with a fake/real spanish accent.

Frank Caliendo

Enough is enough.

I’ll give it to him, his impressions are very good. But that’s all he’s got.

It’s basically like taking Robin Williams’ set, and removing all of the annoying parts, and making a person out of it.

God Bless America

jasonkanzler — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 22:08:06 +0000

You have got to be shitting me. And on the back of the plate you get:

Yes, they couldn’t even wait until all of the popular votes were in to produce this masterpiece.

Words of Wisdom.2

jasonkanzler — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 19:05:14 +0000

Words of Wisdom.1

jasonkanzler — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 05:04:44 +0000

OME FROM BOWLING, ANKLE STILL IN PAIN/1 WHERE IS MARY JANE? WITHOUT, I WOULD, YOU WOULD GO INSANE!!!

Awesome.3

jasonkanzler — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 23:43:45 +0000

Everyone remembers Mr. Big’s smash hit “To Be With You”, but I knew they had another one. Here it is. The tasty licks at the beginning are sick.

Warning: This video might turn you gay.

Awesome.2

jasonkanzler — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 01:17:06 +0000

Don’t worry, you’ve never heard of Linear, unless you were latino in the 80′s. If you can make it through this entire video without smiling or getting a boner then you probably aren’t homosexual.

Awesome.1

jasonkanzler — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 01:47:45 +0000

There is never an acceptable time to listen to the following song.

Breathe had a few hits in the 80′s, the biggest being “Hands To Heaven”, and they were all very good for couple skating.

Five Cool Toys

jasonkanzler — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 09:04:50 +0000

1. Super Soaker

I was the proud owner of a Super Soaker 50. It was the smaller version of the 100 being advertised in the above commercial. One time my neighbor and I were in a fight so I filled up my Super Soaker 50 with pee and shot him with it.

2. The Animal

The only thing I remember about this one is that it didn’t work anything like it did in the commercial. But the song is rockin’.

3. The Typhoon

Another toy that was way cooler in the commercial. My favorite memory of The Typhoon was when I put it in the pool because it could go over water and then the battery died and it sank to the bottom and became useless.

4. Burple

Burple wasn’t technically a toy, but a drink. I’d say it was the most fun drink ever.

5. Crocodile Mile

I think I had Crocodile Mile for one day. Whoever set it up on the hill forgot to check for rocks underneath and when my brother slid down it he cut his head open and ripped the pool at the end. We then went back to old faithful, Slip ‘N Slide, because it was less complex.

Reese, Sandra, and Julia Plus One

jasonkanzler — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 01:50:56 +0000

I’m gonna try to keep this site fairly positive, but I thought I would just get this off my chest:

1. Reese Witherspoon

The star of such gems as “Sweet Home Alabama”, “Legally Blonde”, and it’s riveting sequel, “Legally Blonde 2: Red White and BLONDE”!

I will admit I have never seen any of these movies, but I think I get it. Also, the fact that she gets 15 -20 million a movie blows my mind.

I couldn’t find a picture of that demon face that she makes in Cruel Intentions (you know the one), but this is better anyway:

Best Role: Fear (1996)

She also had a small role in American Psycho, which is one of the best movies ever, but not because of her.

2. Sandra Bullock

Never really been in a good movie.

Exhibit A:

and…

Exhibit B:

I’m sure she’s a nice person and all, but you probably couldn’t get me to watch either one of these movies.

Best Role:

Speed (1994)

3. Julia Roberts

Another 20 million dollar monster.

She’s actually starred in some OK movies, but there’s something about her that bothers me. Wait, here it is:

…yuck.

Best Role: Pretty Woman (1990)

I’m sorry if I offended anyone’s cinematic taste.

Honorable Mention:

Renee Zellweger